Author Archive

Basic – Movie Review

Saturday, April 5th, 2003

The movie review of Basic. Drama, Crime/Gangster and Thriller
1 hr. 35 min. Agent Hardy (Travolta) of the DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) is brought in by an old friend to investigate the disappearances of several Army Ranger cadets and their legendary drill instructor, West (Jackson), during an exercise at a basic training camp, Fort Clayton, in Panama.

Basic is a movie with a lot of twists and turns in it. If you are a type of person that does not like to do a lot of thinking while watching a movie then this movie is most likely not for you. With this movie you must pay attention to details to figure out the ending. I noticed that a lot of people were very confused at the ending. I admit it took me some time to grasp everything that happened in the movie. Basic is the type of movie that you will love or hate. I loved it.

Rating: 4 Monkeys

Cheesecakes Completely Ruined The Game.

Saturday, November 2nd, 2002

To whom it may concern,

I got to tell you, I am very disappointed in you. You normally sell such great products, but those mini cheesecakes that you sell in those little boxes really made me upset. I must say, I certainly expected more from a company who usually makes such great tasting stuff. The actual complaint is that I didn’t like it. Normally I would just never buy them again. However, it is too late for that, the damage is done. Your product embarrassed me in front of my friends. Here is my story:

It was game day and I had invited all my friends over for the Laker game. It was the big game so they all showed up. Let me tell you, there was a lot of macho male energy in the living room that day. The only female in the apartment was my beautiful wife. My beautiful, well meaning wife. She had bought me and my friends a lot of snacks to eat while watching the game. She got beer, soda, chips, popcorn, cookies and your mini cheesecakes. When we brought out the mini cheesecakes, my friends were initially impressed by what a good choice in desert we had. Then we opened them up. These little cakes were meant more for a ladies tea party or something. What with the little cookie crusts, bits of strawberry, strings of icing and such.

By the way, I have a real complaint on that crust. It didn’t even begin to resemble the normal crust on a cheesecake. It tasted like a Fig Newton. Fig Newtons are fat free for goodness sake! Fat free equals bad taste and every one knows it. Also, only women and fags care about their weight and eat fat free crap like that. Whey do you think Queen Amidalla from Star Wars was on the Diet Pepsi cans? Because she only appeals to women and fags. And that icing that is kind of squeezed over the top of them? I am not EVEN going to tell you what my friends joked that it reminded them of. Now all my friends think I am a sissy. They all laughed at me so hard. I couldn’t take it. I threw the rest of them in the trash and spent the rest of the game in the corner.

So in conclusion, I just wanted you to know that your queer little cheesecakes completely ruined the game for me. What a jip! I paid money for them and they embarrassed me! What gives? You should have a better description on the package with a little note on the front that says something like, “Great for tea parties or gay rallies!”. If I had known this, I would have never given them to my friends to eat. Please change the packaging or the product itself or you are going to lose a lot of customers. Because believe you me, I’m spreading the word!

Embarrassed in California,

Rocco M.

(This was found at http://www.geocities.com/crazyletters2000/Home.html)

Bob Johnson has had a really shitty day, and he wants to rub your nose in it…

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002

In Australia we teach our dogs not to crap where they shouldn’t by rubbing their noses in it. Obviously they dislike this, but fortunately for us all they learn a valuable lesson. And after what happened to me the other day, I am thinking of applying the same rule over here, with just a slight twist. I think the next time I see a dog crapping on my footpath, I am going to grab the owner and rub his nose in it.

You see I arrived at work the other day and smelt a potent stench. It was not just an annoying odour, this was something similar to the rotting bowels of a decomposing goat. And it had that certain smell of… ‘Shit’ I said, as I looked beneath my desk, and indeed shit it was. The largest, foulest, stickiest dog shit ever to have attached itself to a man’s shoe.

Sweat started to break out upon my forehead as I considered what to do, while fumes as thick as fog brought water to my eyes. Unequipped for such an incident at my desk I decided to head for the toilets. I endeavoured to walk casually and nodded at co-workers, while trying to conceal the two kilograms of dog crap stuck to the underside of my shoe.

I looked around the bathroom for a toilet brush or shovel or something, no luck, so I unrolled as many paper towels as I could manage and I made my way to a stall. I placed the paper towelling (about 4 meters worth) on the floor. Tentatively, as if dealing with uranium, I removed my shoe, then grabbing handfuls of towel I began to push away the crap. I was trying not to touch it with my fingers while at the same time trying to dodge the splashing toilet water, lest I catch some type of incurable toilet water dog shit leprosy.

Handful after handful of fouled paper towel piled up in the bowl. Needing a bit more room I flushed the toilet. Water entered the bowl, swirled around a bit, made a funny noise then stopped. I hit the button again, hoping that the second flush would get it. Damn! I tried again. Damn! It didn’t move any further, the mound of shitty, soggy paper had thoroughly blocked the toilet. I looked around for a stick, a plunger or ten-foot pole to push the paper through. Reluctantly I had to use the only thing available to me, my other shoe.

Now standing in my socks I dipped the toe of my good shoe into the bowl and nudged the clump of paper towel. It seemed to move so I nudged it again, however the more I pushed, the deeper I had to dip my shoe. I dipped deeper and deeper and flushed over and over to get that toilet working again. By the end I had to pour a litre of toilet water from my shoe back into the bowl. I spent the next ten minutes trying to get the last remaining pieces of dog shit out of the cleverly designed grooves on the sole of my other shoe. I walked out of the stall and looked into the mirror, ‘It’s alright’ I told myself, ‘no-one would have even noticed.’

Timidly I made my way back to my desk. My good shoe squelched on every second step and the smell from the other still lingered like a dark brown aura around me. I heard work mates giggling names like ‘Poo Boy’ and ‘Shit Stick’ to each other. As I neared my desk I noticed a distinct lack of people in the surrounding 20 meters. I looked around the suddenly lonely area, ‘Nah, no-one even noticed’.

Who is Bob?

Bob, 24, is Australian and currently drinking in London. Plans of backpacking around Europe were put on hold when he went to Edinburgh and drank away his savings.

He moved to London to earn some money, further his education of hangovers and mix with the other 4.5 million Australians here. He is currently staying in London until a) he wins the lottery, b) they kick him out or c) his liver fails.

Halloween Party

Monday, October 21st, 2002

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they
were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine
headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.
“Don’t let me spoil a good time for you,” she said. After further
discussion, he husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some
aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided
to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she
thought to herself, “I wonder what my husband really does when I’m not
around.” She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn’t
recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the
side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting
very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went
up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they
should go outside.

Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight
unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she
could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and
asked “Well, how was the party?” He replied, “It was no fun without you
honey.” She said, “I don’t believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!” He
replied, “Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I
got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that
guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.”