Archive for March, 2003

Signs – Movie Review

Monday, March 31st, 2003

Signs – Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, Patricia Kalember, Cherry Jones, Abigail Breslin, M. Night Shyamalan – OK, I know this movie has been out a while, but I just got around to seeing it. This movie was good with the exception of the ending. It ended kind of abruptly. The part I liked about this movie is that it really creeped me out. I do not get creeped out by movies, nor do I get scared during horror movies, but this movie kept me thinking something was going to jump out, yet it never happened. It had just enough suspense to keep it worth watching. If you have not seen this movie, SEE IT!

My Rating: 4 Monkeys

Canada is now prepared to help the United States

Friday, March 28th, 2003

It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the United States in its war against terrorism.. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6,000 armed troops and 60 fighter jets. However……after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.

Even The Small Ventures Turn To Large Ones!

Thursday, March 20th, 2003

It was a bit cold out this night in January. I live in the south so it is not that it ever REALLY gets cold, however this was an award winning night. It was to drop as cold as 25 degrees and that is cold for us. At the point I decided to go to the local super store, we will call it Al-Mart;

it was about 30 degrees out. I went out wearing jeans, a shirt, my pullover fleece and my gloves. I was going in to Al-Mart to buy a new pullover fleece because I caught my old one on fire while welding. Now my gloves are something special. They were new at the time and I bought them just because it has been cold this year. Now these are no normal gloves! These are impact mechanic gloves. They keep you warm and fit very well! OK, back to the main story at hand. When I pulled into the parking lot I ended up in a spot next to someone I knew. (I live in a small town, you pretty much know everyone.) So I hop out of my car and head toward the front door of the super store. The wind was cutting me like crazy. It was getting COLD. As I entered the store I smiled and said hi to the greeter at the door. I was removing my gloves as I came in so I could shop. I noticed as I entered the store there was a chime. It said “Al-Mart inventory control system activated.” I did not pay it any attention and proceeded to shop. I went first to the men’s department to find my fleece. After walking around there for a while I made my selection and moved on to get the other things I needed. As I made my way to the pet food aisle I had to squeeze by the night stock guys. I made my way down the aisle and selected the pet food I needed. (Hey Spaz has to eat too!) When I turned to leave the aisle I noticed another guy standing in the aisle looking at the products. I went back the way I came and had to squeeze by the stock guys again. It then dawned on me that the other guy in the aisle had to squeeze through there also. It was a pretty tight squeeze. I then made my way across the store to get a heating pad for my girlfriend. I had never bought one before so first I had to find them and then I had to research which one I wanted. I then noticed the same guy standing the aisle looking at deodorant or whatever it was in that aisle. I thought it was funny that the guy was “following me” through the store. But I made my heating pad selection and moved on. I went to the toy area to look at the die cast cars and model kits and as I was looking, here was that same guy. Then I moved to the model kit area and moments later, as I was leaving that area, he was coming around the corner. So now I am thinking this guy is strange. I head to the check out area and pick one that has no line. The cashier rings up my stuff and as I reach for my debit card, I realize I left it at home. I explain my situation to the cashier and that I need to run out to my car and grab my checkbook. I then notice the same guy standing behind me in the checkout line. He only has a pack of gum. Now, I am thinking that he was in all the same areas I was and he only bought a pack of gum? And why was he waiting on me when there are other open lines with no wait? So I head out to my car to get my checkbook and I noticed that same message played as I left. So when I got to my car, the guy I know that was parked next to me was outside. I chatted with him for a few minutes, but it was cold so I kept it short, grabbed my checkbook and headed back into the store. The guy was now standing in the parking lot making it look as though he was looking at something in the back of a truck. I was getting pretty pissed at this point and would have confronted him however I was very cold. I headed into the store. Again that message played as I entered. I thought to myself that it must be very annoying for the door greeter to have to hear that every time someone enters the store, but not my problem. I went back to the cashier and proceeded to write her a check. She was making small talk with me and even after I handed her my check she still did not finish processing my stuff. She was just rambling on and on. Finally someone taps me on the shoulder. It was the greeter from the door. She said to me, “if you want to know what you have on you that is setting off the door sensor come see me.” I then noticed the guy that was following me was standing behind me. I admitted to her that I had heard the announcement, but thought nothing of it. I also told her that it was most likely my gloves. Once I had here scan me, it was in fact my gloves that had the security devices sewn inside the gloves. The guy that had been following me was in fact the security guard and I told him that he was lucky it was cold out or I would have pummeled him in the parking lot. He looked at me and said, “Man! You have some strange shopping patterns!” LOL!

Mom – I missed my period

Tuesday, March 18th, 2003

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

“Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage. …… At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

“You’ll f*ck her again!”

A Great Medical Tale

Monday, March 17th, 2003

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute pendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said,

“Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Our Small Town Gestapo

Friday, March 14th, 2003

We here at SpazMonkey live in a little hole in the wall town. It is pretty small and “quaint.” I have quite a few issues with this town. One of the main problems is the code enforcment “officers” (as they like to be called). The other problem is the police…

See our town is really pretty small compared to most. It actually has a city title, but it seems smaller than that. But in this small town we have 12 motor cycle cops! 12! That is almost 1 for every 3 people who live here (That is an exageration BTW.) This is in addition to all of the other “cruiser” police, and our sherriff’s department who has 2 helicopters!

So why am I so pissed? Did I get a ticket? No, at least not this time. There is however a light where I turn onto the road that my place of employment is. It is a 4 lane highway that turns onto a 2 lane road. Going the opposite direction and turning left, there has always been a red arrow. But going my way, there was not. You could go when it was clear. Well until 2 days ago. They changed it now to be a red arrow on my side too. This sucks for me as it now takes an extra 2 minutes to get to work. Which would not be a big deal had it not only been a 3 minute trip to start with.

So with the addition of this new red arrow, comes the police. The Gestapo was parked along the road that I turn onto. The cops would watch as people ran the arrow and they would flag them into the parking lot of our local taco place. (We will call it, Toxic Hell). My employment is directly across the street so I got a front row seat to watch them pull people over up to 10 at a time and write them tickets.

Now, it is true that these people broke the law. It is true that people who do so should be punished. But what I do not find fair is they were nailing people the morning after it was changed! I kid you not when I say that the light had not been a red arrow forever. At no point had it ever been so. So since the dawn of this town, well over 100 years ago, no one has had to stop there. No warnings, no second chance. Just 5 cops writing tickets.

So when it was time for Toxic Hell to open, the Gestapo had to stop using their parking lot for their sting operation. I thought it was over. Nope! Now they were using motorcycle cops. They were parked on the sidewalk (6 of them) facing oncoming traffic. They were parked so they could see the new red arrow. And when people ran it, the cops would shoot down the side walk and pull them over on the side road. It just really pissed me off that they gave no notice or warning about the light change. Thank God I noticed it!

The Honesty Of Children

Friday, March 14th, 2003

A friend of mine is a body man. You know, the kind that fixes cars and paints them. So I was there today, at his shop, and I seen that he had all of these pictures that his kids have drawn for him. But one in particular stood out to me.

It had two cars traveling in the same direction as each other, and the one car was rear ending the other. The cars even had the airbags deployed. Now, other than the fact that the drawing (in crayon) was of car smashing together, it was a bright and cheering picture. The sun was shining and birds were in the air.

But the best part was the text that she had written on it. In a childs hand writting in blue crayon it said:

“Life is a lot harder when you are stupid!”

I cried because I laughed so hard! I will try and get a photo of the picture next time.