From the Mouth Of Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail
in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you
throw this away for me? Thank you.”

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off).
That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but
it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes My wife’s from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes.’ For Cripe’s sake. Who would
that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh?’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’.
I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in
the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, ‘how can he want me the way I look in the morning?’
It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.

Pregnancy:
It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, ‘Oh my
god. He’s kicking. Do you wanna feel it?’ I always feel awkward
Reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. “Oh my god…give me your
hand…It won’t be long now…”

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior
Citizen’. You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of
it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live
in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a
gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you’re young
enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you
get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid,
you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you
go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…you
finish off as a gleam.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few
prisoners into my house] I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on
the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they
can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards
for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% “I don’t know”. It costs 90
cents to call up and vote…They’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I
feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON’T
KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what
you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone
sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) “I’m not in the mood.”

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s
answering machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘Share the love.'”
Beep.” “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”

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