Well, SpazMonkey.com just celebrated it’s 5th year online and I decided it was was past time for a face lift. I chose to swap over to WordPress from PostNuke as I have used WP on a few sites now and I really like it. I will get some new features added as the time allows and I will try and make a new post a little more often than I have been. (Being it has been about a year and a half.) Some people have told me I should start doing video blogs, but that is not likely going to happen. I think I will keep it to text.
Hang out, read a bit and if you have a fire under your ass, drop me a note.
BTW: Some stuff is going to be moving around and may appear to be broken. It is still a work in progress.
So, I am sitting in a restaurant the other morning eating breakfast with my wife, when I see this guy get out of his car and start grooming himself. He works on his hair for a good 3 minutes and only after getting his pony tail just perfect, he puts his hat on. But not like a normal human, no! He has it on the top of his head, off to the right side and turned so the bill is between his right eye and his right ear. Do the people who do this not realize they look like a douche? “Oh, that is just how kids are today!” Some people say. But this is not the case! This “Kid” was not that much younger than me. I just chose not to look like an idiot! I have to questions something… Do they get up in the morning, put their hat on crooked, look in the mirror, and say, “Damn! I look good!”? Let me be the first to say, you look like a fucking retard! Same goes with the clothes. Wear something that fits you! No one wants to see your fucking underwear! It really scares me to think that this is the future of our country! People who can not even make the right choice in clothes to wear are going to be voting for our future leaders. Scary shit right there!So to all you douche bags that can not figure out how a ball cap is supposed to go on your head, feel free to drop me an email and I will draw you a cartoon so you can understand it! You don’t make your mother proud looking like a fucking retard!
I am tired! I am tired of many things in this world! And before you climb onto your soap box and tell me to make a difference instead of just complaining about things, I would like to remind you that you do not know me, and you do not know what I do outside of this website. And, I am going to tell you now how I, and you can, go about correcting some problems.
Have you gone into a store like HellMart lately and had some ignorant, inconsiderate jackass just stop in the middle of the isle? Just blocking the whole thing? Or even better, in fact personally one of my favorites, is the jackass walking the other way and they do not even attempt to move over. Like it is your obligation to get the fuck out of their way because they are so special? They can not be bothered to have to shift over 6 or 10 inches to “Share the Road” with you! Well read on and I will tell you how to fix this…
When shopping, if I am pushing a cart, it comes an easy solution. See a shopping cart is not just for putting your stuff in. It is also a battering ram! (This works best if you are buying some heavy stuff.) The headon people are the easiest target. It is almost like a game of chicken. You watch them, if the have enough room to move over and they don’t do it? BAM! You run right square into them. Then you can choose to say something to them about it… or not. Up to you! I like to make the comments along the lines of, “Oh, I am so sorry! I moved over a little, but I guess you didn’t. Maybe if you would have made that an equal attempt, we would not have collided.” Or better, “I wish you would watch where you are going!” This one is good because they will be pissed for the rest of the day.
The people who just stop? Well if you have ever been hit in the back of the ankle with a shopping cart, you know this fuckers will not stop in the middle of the isle in front of me more than once! Remember: Shopping cart = Modern Day Battering Ram!
So what if you do not want to push a cart? For about a hundred bucks, you can buy a high quality cattle prod! These only put out 9000volts. They are not like a stun gun. They will not disable the other party. But they sure the fuck will know you are there! So how would this go down? Easy! You are walking along in the local HellMart and some fuck stops right in front of you to check out the new low price on Hostess Snowballs. You are now stuck. You can not get around either way and more so, you are in a hurry! Out comes the cattle prod and WHAM! Guarenteed to get them out of your way! These also work well with metal shopping carts as you only have to hit the cart and not the person. A couple of good jolts with a cattle prod and they will become more considerate shoppers!
Now, on a serious note, I am not suggesting you go out and get a cattle prod and shock people. And if you do, I am not liable and you can not sue me as I will prove I just told you I am not liable and that I am telling you that you should not do it.
I have always been a considerate person. I am even considerate to the jackasses in the world because for the most part, they do not realize they are jackasses. BUT, the time has come for me to no longer be the guy who steps out of the way. It is a 50/50 deal. So as I walk through the mall with Mrs. SpazMonkey and people do not get out of my way, I no longer get out of their way. At 6’0″ tall and 255 pounds, it is like walking into a wall. I have, more than one time, knocked someone to the ground. Not going to move? Neither am I! Walking toward me? You better brace yourself because you are going down! My lesson here is to tell all you inconsiderate fucks that are too good for common courtesy, your day will come. You need to step back in life, get off your high horse and start giving a fuck about other people. This is not your planet! It is OUR planet.
Do not tell me to “Go Ahead” with my order if you are not going to take the 2 seconds needed to actually fucking listen to me! It pisses me off when you go to a fat food, er I mean a fast food eating hole and the idiot who works there does not listen when you order. I do not eat a lot of fast food, but on the occation, I like to partake in some. So today I went to a place we will call Toxic Hell. On second thought… No, we will call it Taco Bell! That’s right PepsiCo, I am calling you out! I pull up to the speaker (which can be a whole other rant in itself. We can land on the moon but can not make a fucking drive thru speaker work worth a shit?) Anyway, the dumb bitch working the head set asks for my order. Here is where it goes wrong. You see I ASSuME that when she asks for the order that she is actually ready to take my order. But low and behold, onto the pretty LCD display pops up the order from the car ahead of me. (I know this because I heard the lady ordering.) So now this dumb bitch is an order behind? Well I get done with my order (a simple order by number) and there is a long pause. Then I get, “Can you say that order again?” Can I? Yes! Should I? No! I should come into the store and beat the ever loving shit out you just to prove to your co-workers that it is a good idea to do your fucking job! But society and the judge tell me I can’t do things like that. So I repeat my order. So now I am a bit annoyed. (This is the second time in 2 days. I will tell the other story shortly.) So when I get to the window, she takes my money, asks if I want any sauce (which I answer, “No”) and hands me a drink. A very dark cola looking drink when in fact, I ordered a Baja Blast. Twice! So I hand it back to her and repeat a third time what the drink is supposed to be. She makes the new drink and again asks me if I want sauce. (You just asked me 3 seconds ago bitch!) And again I say no. She hands me my bag of “food” and off I go. Now, with this Taco Bell (and I am sure others) you never know what you are really going to eat. They always fuck up the order and sometimes you get shit on, sometimes you score. When I arrive home, I got sauce. 4 packets worth of sauce I did not want or have any desire to eat.
If you want to read the rest of this, click the read more link…
So the story from last night goes similar, except we had gone to a Dairy Queen to get some ice cream. They were really busy when we got there. I get to the drive thru speaker and the girl asks to take my order. I ask her to hold on a moment so I can decide. (Really just a ploy to allow her to finish what she is doing so she can really take my order.) A moment later she asks if I am ready. I order 2 blizzards. One for me, one for my wife. I ordered hers first, pause, then order mine. I get done and the voice says, “I got the Heath blizzard what else did you want?” So I guess it is hard to push the heath blizzard button on the fisher price register and she was so delayed she did not get my second blizzard. On top of that, she missed that I wanted extra stuff in it. So I place the entire order again from the top and before I finish speaking, she cuts me off, reads back the order and gives me the “please pull up to the window” shit. Well, she cut me off and did not get the entire order. So now I do the “Excuse me. You did not get the order correct or complete.” And now I order a third time. 3 times to get 2 fucking blizzards! Just push the fucking button as I speak and make my shit!
I am growing tired of society. I am tired of the “kids” of today not wanting to actually work for the money they are paid. They go to work to socialize with their co-workers and they do not give a crap about the job they were hired to do. But in all fairness, the managers should also be beaten. You are a manager, so fucking manage! Train your people to do their jobs and then keep on them to make them do it. If they don’t? Fire them and get new people. I am tired of spending my money to have to do the work of the person I am spending it with.
The moral of the story? Don’t ask me for my order if you are not ready to take it and if you do, be ready as you never know when the voices in my head will tell me that it is OK to beat the living shit out of you!
For all you son of a bitches that drive around with your “I Love NY” bumper stickers and such, I want you to pack your shit, take a friend or two, and get the fuck out of my state! If you love it so damn much why are you not there. I even seen some dumb shit with a vanity plate that said “Love NY” and the ass wipe pays for that every year!
I am not just going to pick on the New York lovers, I will also say to you motherfuckers who fly a flag other than the American flag, GO THE FUCK HOME! If you are so proud of Puerto Rico, or some other shit island, then go home! This is the United States Of America! The country that allows me to tell you “Other Country” loving fuckers to piss off! So have a little respect and take that trash flag down. No flag should be flown other than the American flag when you are here on American soil! Our military is out kicking ass so you motherfuckers can live free and you have the balls to be proud of some place else! And you PR flag flyers, don’t try and feed me the bull shit that Puerto Rico is a US territory. It won’t work. You don’t pay taxes, you are not considered American. You are just owned!
And let us not leave out those who fly the rebel flag. I realize it is slightly out of the relm of this article, but that flag stands for nothing but fucking ignorance! Show me one person who flies that piece of trash, that is not ignorant. Just one! And to top it all off, “The South Will Rise Again!” Really? The south will rise up against what? Going to start another civil war? Want to re-enslave the black folk do ya? What the fuck does that mean? What does it mean that the south will rise again? It means you are a fucking moron and you should be eliminated. You and your pitbull!
So in closing; Get that foreign flag crap off your car and house! Either quit displaying your feelings for NY or take a friend and go back! And finally, take that rebel flag, tie it around your neck tight enough to stop you from breathing, die, fall on your pitbull and kill it too! Good night YA’LL!
I do not know what to say so I won’t. You can see it for yourself. A good friend of mine sent me this:
Why is it that when people talk on their cell phone, they forget how to drive? And those of you who do it, don’t give me that shit that you are driving just fine or that is is no different than listening to the radio. The majority of you people on the roads can not fucking drive anyway (those of us who can drive know who you are!) When the phone is on, your little ability to drive is gone! It never fails at the point I am hauling ass down the interstate in the left lane, which by the way, THE LEFT LANE IS THE FAST LANE MORONS, that when I come up on traffic, the guy who is causing it is always on the fucking phone!
First of all, you should not be talking on the phone while driving. Do you talk on the phone while you are having sex? Probably not. And why not? Because you are not supposed to be. You are supposed to be concentrating on screwing. Same thing in the car! You are supposed to be concentrating on DRIVING!
Next point, if you are not moving faster than the lane to your right, you should be in the lane to your right. The left lane is for PASSING, not for driving along at any fucking speed you feel like because you are king of the assholes. Get over to the right or I will rear end you! This also applies if the guy coming from behind you is going significantly faster than you! And don’t try and feed me that, “I am doing the speed limit. I can be in the left lane” bullshit! I will tell you right now, chances are you are not a cop and you have no right to try and stop me from speeding. It will get you nothing more than a bad case of the wrong end of road rage! And IF you are a cop, chances are I am not coming up on you from behind while you are in your patrol car. No patrol car, no right to slow me down. NOW MOVE YOUR SLOW RETARDED ASS OUT OF MY LEFT LANE!
As long as we are talking about the left lane, there is something else that REALLY pisses me off. When I am coming up on you in the left lane while you are in the right lane, DO NOT PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME just because the guy ahead of you is going 1 MPH slower than you. Chances are I am going WAY faster than you and you will get a nice look at my front bumper. You are not that fucking important to have to pull out and slow me down so that you do not have to slow down.
There is a lot more that I see on the roads that burns my nut sack, but this is all I will post for now. The moral of this story? Don’t be a fucking ass monkey on the road and act like you are the most important person in the world. And remember, there is always someone out there that wants to go faster that you!
I can not believe that in all my years on this planet, that I never really realized this! But the other day it totally dawned on me that when you, or someone else, gets a big wiff of a fart, you are taking air into your body that was in someone else’s (or your own) ass. Think about it! I fart, you smell it, you are breathing my ass air. AIR THAT WAS IN MY ASS! Maybe from now on when you smell a fart, you should just keep your trap shut and get the hell out of there before someone else realizes you inhaled ass air.
I do not think it is gross to “cut the cheese” but I do think it is quite gross for someone to come along and breath the air that was in my ass. Nothing more to see here, now move along!
People by nature are sheep. Why do I say this? Well, I love to watch people. I love to observe what they do on a day to day basis. So the other night I went to see the final Matrix movie (Revolutions). We arrived at the theater plenty early to allow us to get a ticket and a decent seat. The theater we go to has a couple very large houses and then some medium and finally, some fairly small. The showing right before the one we chose was in one of the big houses. They are 3 stories tall. But ours was in a small one. I have been to the movies enough that I know the best place to sit in any one of the 24 houses they have. So in this one, the best seats are the 3 in the back of the house. Last row, dead center! These are actually handicap seats, so you have to get them quick before the handies get to them. Anyway, the nice part about these seats is that there are only 3 and they are up about 6-8 inches off of the floor on a riser. You can see over everyone else and no one will sit next to you or behind you.
So why does this make people sheep? Well when we arrived at the house we were to see the movie in, they had not cleaned it. But we went in and sat down anyway. They never came in to clean it. The row ahead of us had 4 seats, all which had old cups and popcorn bags in them. The house filled quickly and many, many people stood and talked about those seats, however no one would sit there. When people would ask me if anyone was sitting there, I just said I did not know. (Which was true, I did not know if anyone was sitting there, I just knew the cups were old.) We watched many people debate over these seats. And right up until the �Pre-Show Countdown,� no one would sit there. Finally a couple came in and the woman took control and felt the cups to see if they were empty. ALAS! They were empty and she and her male companion got good seats!
So the moral of the story? Don’t be a sheep! Do what you want. Take a stand for yourself.